The Beginnings of Wisdom Come So Late in Life

Many times I have posted on this Blog about my inability to keep quiet when arguments begin. Most times, it is when I feel I can help the person see or do what I think is right.

I wrote last February about Turning the Other Cheek. I wrote in December of 2010 about When Silence is Golden. I posted several times in 2011, most recently in October, about Praying Instead of Speaking.

Obviously, this is not something I find easy to do. I do not seem to be a willing pupil of the Lord's in this area of my life. Yet, my prayers have been answered a little more each day. It has been many weeks since a heated argument with one person, in particular. Today, unfortunately, I let myself go and shouted and ranted and, of course, got nowhere.

I thought back to my beloved Mother, gone now since '94. She was 76 when she passed away. A year or two before that, she confessed to me that she had finally, in her early 70s, learned when to just give in and keep quiet. She said that she did this especially when saying something wouldn't help anyway.

I thought back to my beloved long-time friend, Jane, gone now three years. She was 80 when she passed on. She, too, had confessed to me that she finally learned to stop fighting a losing battle with people who weren't going to hear her words no matter how true or heartfelt they were. She said she had come to this conclusion during her 70s.

Well, here it is - my own 70s. Slowly, ever so slowly, I am learning this lesson as well. But why does it take so long for us to gain this wisdom? I think it's simply because we are human beings with our own free will. This free will is a wondrous gift from God. However, this free will can cause us to be very stubborn at times.

The good news is that when I looked back, last year, I posted once a month, at one point, every month. Then I managed to get through the rest of October, November, and December, until today. Yes, this is very good news. Does that mean I am finally "growing up" in the ways of the Lord, finally gaining wisdom? Perhaps. Only time will tell.

All right, my Sweet Lord, I guess I am finally getting the message. Still, I ask for your continued patience with me while I make some even greater distance between these episodes. I might be slow to learn, but I truly, truly want to learn this lesson well and to please you by doing so.

Praying Instead of Speaking

Anyone who has been reading my Prayer Power posts, even if only off and on, these past three years, knows that one of my biggest faults is speaking when I shouldn't. This usually occurs when I feel someone is wrong and I feel obligated to correct them. Or, equally as often, when someone baits me or otherwise speaks in conflict and I feel I must tell my side of the issue as well.

I have posted wonderful, beautiful quotes (in "Silence is Golden but I am Rusty") that I try to read daily to help me avoid speaking when it will not help the situation. I do realize that there are times when, as Christians, we are expected by the Lord God himself to speak up. But the majority of times that I am concerned about are the times when speaking doesn't help the situation. Instead, it often inflames emotions.

Today, once again, I realized instead of my fighting the urge to speak up at these times, I should be praying.

However, I ran into a roadblock. At first, I caught myself getting ready to pray that the other person would be blessed with the knowledge that I was right. Oooops. That set off alarms in my soul.

Then, I tried praying that the other person would realize they were wrong. Another "Ooooops." More alarms.

By now, my spiritual ears were ringing and I was woozy from all this soul-searching.

So how, then, should I pray at a time like this? Obviously I need to pray for wisdom. Once again, as in the past, the prayer adopted by AA comes to mind, the Serenity Prayer. Because it is so very well known, it is quick to call to mind. And, once again, I will probably choose this prayer, as often as I can, to try to reverse my stubborn soul's direction. I know that when I do this, speak when it is not helping, I am actually holding even the Lord back from his work. I surely do not want to continue to do that. He has enough trouble with me as it is.

Father, I will try, as often as possible, to remember that little prayer because it does say what is in my heart at this moment. If it will help me avoid these conflicts, please bless me with your whisper as a reminder when I need it.

Stubborn Mortal That I Am...

I was thinking again about how hard it is for me to keep quiet during some discussions. I tried reading my own "Silence is Golden" post (August 30, 2011). Then I began trying to find here-and-now examples of people I look up to in this area of life. Perhaps I can follow their lead.

One who comes to mind is my DM. Mom passed on in '94. However, her last few years, in her early 70s, she confided to me that one of the hardest things she had to do was to learn to shut up when nothing else made sense. She said that sometimes all the talking in the world will not fix a situation and she had to learn to "see" those situations and just keep quiet. How hard that was for her. My mom, like me, couldn't help speaking up when she felt she could help in a situation.

Another who I remember is my dear old friend, Jane, who passed on two years ago. During her 70s, like my mother, she realized that arguing with her beloved only son, then in his 40s, just did not resolve any issues. She, too, confided in me. She said that when she realizes what is happening, she just tightens her lips and looks out a window. She felt the stress of a useless argument just wasn't worth it.

Yet one more woman I admired for this ability is the mother of a dear friend. She is still alive. When she was in her late 70s (what is it about the 70s?), she and I talked one day. She was having a hard time remaining quiet when her grown daughter did something that made this woman feel compelled to share her insight. She said that she had finally understood that it wasn't worth the conflict or tension that resulted when she spoke up.

Thinking about these three made me think about myself. I loved them each in their own special way. I could try to follow their lead. No, not "could" - I "should" follow their lead. They were each wise but stubborn in their own way. I am equally stubborn - I'm not sure about the "wise" part.

However, they each managed to be successful in their attempts. Me? I'm not only equally as stubborn as each one, I fear that I am even more stubborn than all three put together.

So, tonight, I realize I have some good examples in some people I have known. They changed their attitudes as their lives changed around them. I do think about doing it, too, but I need to do it more often. I did put some quotes in a file shortcut on my desktop. I do look at those each morning when I turn on the PC. Now I just need to keep it up. If they could do it, I'm sure I can, with the Lord's help.

Once more, my Lord, I ask for the grace and gifts I need to learn how to keep my mouth shut when it does no good to open it. Distract me, if you must. Whisper to me, if you think I'll hear. But most of all, love me enough to help me, and enough to forgive me when I stumble along the way.

Silence is Golden, but I am Rusty

Once again, I am drawn to discuss my inability to keep my mouth shut when opening it does not earthly good.

Last December, I wrote one of my best posts (at least in my own advice to myself). I loved it because it had several quotes about holding one's tongue, quotes that I related to at that time. I came across it several days ago. I wish I had remembered it this afternoon. My stupid mouth initiated a shouting match in our household.

I know that nothing I say during these conflicts will change anything. Yet, my stubborn nature makes me keep on trying.

Why can't I be more like Jesus himself? He never raised his voice to his defamers, his tormenters, his accusers. What he endured was so much worse than this simple, petty household dispute. Shouldn't I at least be able to learn to hold my tongue?

Well, yes, I should. Why can't I? Perhaps because I never know when it will happen so I cannot pray about it in advance.

What to do, then?

I think I will copy the quotes in that December post, to a file, and plop the file onto my computer desktop. Each morning, I will click on that, and review and think about those quotes. Hopefully, that, along with prayer, will keep my mind in the right mode.

Thank you, Jesus, for being my example, my mentor, my guide. Forgive my petty ego. Fill me with the desire to "do" right, not to insist that I "am" right.

When Silence is Golden

Those who read my blog have probably noticed that I frequently pray and worry about how quickly my mouth speaks before my brain goes into gear. Usually, the biggest part of my concern is for the times when whatever I say is something that I know will absolutely not change the person I say it to, or change their attitude in any way.

Recently, an e-newsletter that I subscribe to, crochetnmore, included some wonderful quotes on this matter. I saved them for myself, and then tonight, it came to me that many of you might love to rely on these words of wisdom, too.

"He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is counted prudent." Proverbs 17:27-28

"He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards his soul from troubles." Proverbs 21:23

"Silence can be valuable; don't break it unless you can improve on it." This quote is from Our Daily Bread - April, 2010 Issue

Suffering in Silence

It is really hard for me to deal with someone in my life who is spoiled but basically a good person. This person has a habit of saying whatever they want, whenever they want, to whatever length it takes to tell whatever is being shared.

Yet, when I try to say something that happened to me, I am fluffed off with a "Yeh, well get to the point." The point is that I need to give a tiny bit more background for someone to understand some of what I have to share. An argument or hot discussion starts because I feel I have a right to speak, also. But the more I state this, the more I am seen as the "cause" of the argument, so I end up shutting up.

I allow this person to tell their stories or whatever happened to them, in their own time and in their own way. I tend to expect the same consideration.

I can see that I cannot change this person. Here's where that tried-and-true prayer that everyone has heard of because of AA, the Serenity Prayer, is useful. Because I cannot change this person, I must accept this person as they are.

However, I must also stop thinking of myself as "suffering in silence." That is not accepting - that is resenting. And that causes internal stress, which I see as wasteful and even harmful to my health down the line. So, how can I handle this?

First, I suppose, I need to stop as soon as I see that a "situation" is brewing. Then I need to say a prayer for that person, that they begin to accept that others have opinions, too. Finally, I need to remind myself that Jesus himself had much more important things to say and share than I have, and he was shut down time and again toward the end, and I need to follow his example and just accept this person.

The good thing is that, unlike this person, I have many, many friends and acquaintances and I can freely share my thoughts and stories with them, either by email, or phone, or yes, by blog.

Dear Lord, thank you for blessing me with this insight, but I will need a lot of help to continue with my goal of avoiding stressful arguments with this person; please help me to become quicker at defusing these situations, and remind of what your son would have done.

Delay Discourages and Destroys

When something bothers me about the way things are going in a relationship, whether that is family, friend, or even foe, I find it very hard to tell someone that they did something that really bothered me. Usually, I suffer, martyr-like, in silence, for days, trying to find the courage to talk about the issue(s) with that person.

For instance, this past week, I really had a problem, I felt, with a neighbor who expected more of me that I had time or patience to give. I respect this person, I sympathize with him, and I have helped him many times. In his own way, he tries to return the favors. But his way of returning is financial and doesn't drain his resources. My favors to him, however, involve my very limited time and labor and even some of my own limited resources.

Instead of talking to him about it, face to face, I left vague messages on his phone, making excuses for not getting to see him.

Finally, he was wiser and more forthright than I had the courage to be. He called me, directly, no voice mail, and asked me outright, "Are you mad at me?"
Wow. So easy. I told him that, yes, I was, and explained why. I told him I had evaded him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him that his expectations, friendship-wise, were making me feel trapped.

He was so good about everything, explaining he never meant for me to feel like that and that he never wanted to cause me any more stress than I already have. So simple; so easy. We are still friends, and we both want it that way.

So, why couldn't I have de-fused the situation earlier, myself?

Dear God, please, please fill me with the gifts of the Spirit, so that I might have the fortitude and courage to face situations that might be unpleasant but necessary.

The Hidden Troubles of Others

I'm not sure what to write tonight. No new news regarding my sister's condition, so I won't dwell on that. She has many people praying for her, so she is safely in God's hands for now.

Today wasn't bad, just a bit hectic. I was thinking a few minutes ago that most of us do not know what is going on in the lives of those around us. Many times this past week, I was stunned by something I found was troubling folks I knew. Most of these folks did not seem, outwardly, to be suffering in any way. It made me realize that we can't assume that because someone is not baring their soul to us, that it means their lives are trouble-free.

There was a song a while back, with a line, "no one knows what goes on behind closed doors." In that song, it referred to something else, but it could easily refer to the sufferings that we are unaware of in the lives of others.

I will start to pray, whenever I think about it, for strength for those around me, especially those who do not shout out their troubles but, instead, suffer them in silence.

Dear Lord, please help me to understand that I am not the only one with troubles. Please have mercy on others around me who need your help, even if I am not aware of their need.

Ignoring Verbal Insults, Gossip

Why does it bother me so much when someone says something nasty to me? Who am I to think I should have the right to snap back or to feel hurt or to retaliate? When I think how Jesus took insults, humiliation, spitting, beating, and more, and did not “come back” at his slanderers or torturers, I am ashamed. Still, I am human, and it is a human instinct to defend ourselves.

The thing I need to pray about is for the strength and peace and confidence in his love so that I can overlook or shrug off these barbs. It’s hard when we know we are right about something, or think we are right about something, to keep from saying so. It’s hard to keep from telling someone they are wrong in what they think about us. It’s really tough to pretend that insulting words or harsh words do not hurt.

But it can be borne. And I know I need help in doing that. There’s someone I know who baits me, not knowingly, but he does know how to push my buttons. I get so annoyed with myself when I take the bait and respond. I tell myself that it’s because, if I do not let him know where he is wrong, he will not learn. But, he is not my child, so I have no excuse. With our children, we are obligated to guide them to a good adulthood, while we have them with us. With adults, we do not have that obligation.

So, I will try from here on, without much hope of succeeding, I might add, to avoid rising to the bait. I will try to keep a civil tongue and during that silence when I would normally voice a sarcastic comeback, I’ll try to train myself to say a prayer for him.

Father, if I am right and this person is wrong, then please guide him for me, in whatever way he needs to go; if I am wrong and he is right, show me how to correct it.

Praying To Know When To Keep Quiet

A friend of mine works in a convenience store. He puts up with a lot of verbal abuse. Store policy is to not “lay hands” on a customer, no matter how abusive they become. This is hard for him. I was taught that “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.” I have news for whoever coined that line. Words can and do hurt. They hurt our pride.

In this friend’s case, he had to figure when to draw the line and how to handle this fellow. Meanwhile, all the other customers had to put up with hearing his language and his tantrum. Fortunately, it was pretty obvious that he’d had a few drinks. Because he’d just purchased gas, it was obvious that he was drinking and driving. That gave my friend his “out.” He told the fellow he would confiscate his keys and call the police if he didn’t leave. Store policy is that he is allowed to refuse service to anyone, so that helped. The man left, a string of curses and foul language in his wake.

Problem is this: in cases like this, how do we find the time to pray for guidance and help? We must keep our eyes on some situations to such a degree that it’s almost impossible to find a moment to ask for God’s help. Still, that’s the only help we can truly rely on. Perhaps it’s a matter of training ourselves to think before we speak. If others are used to a split second of silence before we speak, we have that moment we need.

Please, Dear God, teach me to think a moment before I act in stressful situations.