Feeling Sorry for Myself? Something new...

I was thinking about what I wrote in yesterday’s post about my nerves being raw right now. I’m beginning to think I have started feeling sorry for myself and that is something I have avoided my entire life.

When I was a child, from age 8 to age 16, I was completely restricted from physical activity due to rheumatic fever and a severely enlarged heart. In the 1940/1950 era, that was treated with heavy doses of aspirin (to reduce inflammation and ease joint pain), sulfa drugs (to ward off infections), and low physical activity. During that time, I could not skate, swim, play dodge ball, jump rope or even help with ironing or vacuuming. However, I learned to love reading, became completely at home with my “self,” and never once felt sorry for myself.

Even during my years immediately into recovery from alcoholism, I avoided self-pity.

But now I wonder if I, too, can fall victim to this. It’s beginning to look like I have to shake this gal loose from those chains beginning to bind. I hate it.

What made me face this was a sudden insight when I woke up this morning. I’ve been almost whining and complaining because some contractors talked me into coming over this morning. They are part of our local electric power company’s list of approved companies for a free A/C checkup. They will come in, temporarily seal all my floor registers (air vents from the a/c system), blow air in them, and then crawl under the double-wide mobile home and check for air leaks.

For months, or maybe even a year, I have worried about the condition of those ducts. 

Nobody has ever really looked at them. Crawling in that dirt under the house is not appealing. I worry about water leaks. I worry about insulation I think is hanging down.

So, suddenly, I realize that God has answered an unspoken prayer and a real need, on my behalf. This is free. This is a complete survey of that area. If I have ANY leaks, whether air, water, whatever, they will find them and advise me. How fortunate is that? Why am I resisting it?

Part of my crankiness with my friend yesterday involved my resistance to their coming early this morning. It meant I had to clear some floor space in front on some registers. I have to run out at 9:30 am, and they are coming at 8 am. I wanted them to wait until tomorrow when I have no outside tasks to do. However, I must realize our weather is cool for a few days. They will be crawling around under there. This is free.

So, with a happier heart, I just cleared the floor area in the living room, and promised myself that everything I picked up will find a place when I put it back later today.

 
Father, you know me better than I know myself. Thank you so much for answering a need that I never had the sense to place in your hands. Now give me the wisdom to put everything back, or give it away, or do something sensible with my goods later today and tomorrow. And please forgive this whimpering human for her moments of weakness.