Déjà Vu of a Painful Sort

I am in misery tonight. My little sister (I wrote about it in the previous post) is in the hospital. They are planning a CT-scan with contrast, to determine if there is a metal shunt in her brain from a '74 aneurysm surgery. If not, they can do an MRI to determine the nature of the mass they found on her brain.

What has me sobbing tonight is that she cannot eat without "aspirating" the food, which means, I believe, it goes down her windpipe instead of where it should, so they asked for permission today to put a "temporary" tube through her nose to her tummy, to feed her. I hated to agree, but since they said "temporary," I did. I had reservations. My sis did not, does not, want "tubes" to keep her alive.

Now she keeps trying to pull it out and now they've asked me for permission to use restraints, and I agreed, but I don't feel right in that decision. I wonder how they would feel, lying in a bed, not fully aware of what is going on around them, trying to pull out something that is obviously very uncomfortable and maybe even painful, and then being restrained - it must feel like torture to my sis.

I will have to call them tomorrow, after much prayer tonight, and try to make the right decision.

This is so hard for me right now. My best friend died in February and the final 8 weeks, her son and I watched similar things happen to her. It hurt so bad to see each new thing happen, and each new "band aid" put in place, instead of someone just saying outright, "...we think her time has come," and let it happen in peace.

I just don't know what to do. I feel I am failing her and causing her misery, just as, back in the beginning of the year, Jane's son and I felt with her condition.

Father, I do not even have the words to say or to pray tonight. You know my heart and my sorrow. I ask only for strength to do what you wish, and the grace to know what those wishes are. Help me, us, please?