Second-Guessing Myself

Lately, I have second-guessing myself about the things I could have done to make life easier for my friend, Jane, in her last days. My friends tell me I did all that I could, all that anyone could. But looking back, I see gaps where I could have been more forthcoming by talking one-on-one with her more often those last days.

Why couldn’t I have seen that? I took care of her body’s needs, the medical and nutrition and care giving. But those last days, why didn’t I go to her one day in the hospitals or rehab centers and just sit and pray aloud, the simple prayers that she found comfort in - the Lord’s Prayer and the 23rd Psalm? That would have done more for her inner peace than all my watching out for whether the nurses and CNAs did what they should do.

I felt the same “why didn’t I” mood shortly after my Mom passed away in ’94, at age 76. She kept telling me those last days that she was all right. I took that at face value. But I was so self-absorbed with a new apartment, and seeking a job in a new town, so involved with myself. She took 3 adults into her little single-wide mobile home for several months, and then we all pulled out when the apartment opened up. Those few months after that, I should have made time to see my Mother once a week, at least. Just a few minutes for iced tea at an Arby’s or some place like that, just her and me. I should have told her how much I appreciated her as a Mom.

The main thing is that I learn from these things. From what happened with my Mom, I was a better care giver to Jane, but I was still not all I should have been.

Lord, please make my heavy heart light again with the knowledge that you see my sadness and regret and you know my desire to do better when next you place someone in my path for the kind of help you hope I will give.